My Failure in 1976
The Flag, the Rabbit, and the Failure of “Don’t”
Oyster Bay, 1976.
The air smelled like horse manure and asphalt. I was six years old, dressed in a full Uncle Sam costume, marching in a Memorial Day parade. My birthday was around the corner. The world was red, white, and blue.
I was carrying the Betsy Ross flag. Thirteen stars. A six-foot pole handed to a three-foot kid.
The adults gave me one piece of instruction. One “Commandment” that felt heavier than the pole itself: “Whatever you do, do not let that flag touch the ground.”
I understood the stakes. I understood the respect. But I didn’t have a harness, and I didn’t have a clue. So, I did what any kid raised on Saturday morning television would do: I stylized it. I leaned the pole over my shoulder like a hobo’s bindle, just like I’d seen Bugs Bunny do in a cartoon.
Five paces later, the fabric bunched under my feet. I tripped. I went down. The stars and stripes hit the pavement.
I spent decades blaming myself for that fall. I carried the guilt of a “failed” process. But looking back from 55, through the lens of a man who builds systems for a living, I see the truth:
It wasn’t my fault. It was a failure of the architects.
The “Don’t” Trap
In business, in leadership, and in parades, we often give people “The Don’ts.”
Don’t lose the client.
Don’t miss the deadline.
Don’t let the flag touch the ground.
We think that by stating the catastrophic outcome, we’ve given an instruction.
We haven’t.
We’ve only given a burden.
We scream “Don’t” at the people we love and the people we lead, and then we act surprised when they trip over the very thing we told them to watch out for.
The adults in Oyster Bay gave me the why (respect) and the what not to do (the ground), but they failed to give me the how.
I didn’t have the belt with the leather socket. I didn’t have the “Lead-With-The-Elbow” technique. I had a cartoon rabbit as my only operational consultant.
Evidence Over Suggestions
The “Venga” way of living, and building, is about eliminating mistakes in advance.
If a process is important, “suggestions” are a liability. You don’t tell a pilot “don’t hit the mountain”; you give them a flight path and a set of instruments backed by evidence. You give them the tools to make the right outcome the only outcome.
If you are leading a team, or a six-year-old, and you haven’t given them the “belt and the holder,” you aren’t leading.
You’re just waiting for them to trip.
I’m done blaming the kid in the Uncle Sam suit. He did his best with the data he had.
Now, I spend my Saturdays making sure the people I work with have more than just a “Don’t.” They have a map.
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